I used to think confidence was something you either had or you didn't.

somewhere along the line I got this belief that confident people were just built different. They walked into rooms prepared. They decided without second-guessing. They didn't need to be told they'd done a good job. I wasn't one of them.

I was the one who stayed an hour after everyone else not because there was work but because leaving on time was proof I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was the one who was over-explaining every decision in meetings, stuffing it with data and context nobody wanted, because underneath all of that, I needed people to see that I had thought this through. That I was believable. I was one of them. I would take on other people's problems as if they were my own, overfunctioning in ways that weren't my actual role, because doing more felt like evidence that I was worth keeping around. And I couldn't say no to. Not much. Every request felt like a test and saying no felt like failing, like I would come across as difficult or not a team player. So I said yes, and yes, and yes, and I carried it all. And I led teams that way as well.

Looking back, I realize it so clearly now: my anxiousness was with us in the room. When I was unsure, I was controlling. When I didn't feel trusted, I second-guessed my decisions. Under pressure, I misprioritized deliverables. I thought I had been detailed. I thought I was doing right. What I was really doing was leading out of fear.

It was a real price. The teams are the nervous system of their leader. And they begin to mimic it. The unspoken question is, “Is she okay? “Are We Ok?” And once that question is out there, people don’t take risks. "Then they stop telling you the bad news. They begin to manage you rather than do their best work. Honestly, it took me a long time and a lot of humbling moments to figure out what was really going on.

The shift wasn't about becoming a different person. It was about learning to trust myself.

Brené Brown says that “trust is built in very small moments," and I’ve found that it’s just as true for the trust we build with ourselves as it is for the trust we build with others. Brené Brown says that “trust is built in very small moments” and I’ve found that it’s just as true for the trust we build with ourselves as it is for the trust we build with others. Self-trust is not a personality trait you're born with. Self-trust is not a personality trait you're born with. It’s something you build up, slowly, by doing what you say you’re going to do, by respecting your own boundaries, by allowing your inner voice to be part of the conversation rather than the thing you override when the pressure is on.

Self-trust is the ability to say, ‘Yes, that is true for me,’ without judgment,” says Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion. No way to spin it. Not trivializing it.. Not overlooking it. That’s not arrogance to be able to show up with steadiness when you can look at yourself clearly and see the sad, uncertain, still-figuring-it-out parts. That's being grounded.

Real self-trust is the steady inner foundation that lets you say "I don't know" without it feeling like a threat. It's what lets you hold a hard conversation without rehearsing it for three days first. It's acting from your own integrity without depending on external validation. It's what lets your team feel your calm instead of your anxiety. That changes everything about how they show up.

This is what I call being Grounded: it's the second stage in the leadership development framework I guide leaders through. In my experience, it's the one that most leaders know they need deep inside, even if they haven't said it out loud it yet.

So many of us have got to senior roles on the back of our drive, our work ethic, our ability to figure things out under pressure. And that's all true. But there is a level where what got you here won't get you there. At some level, your team doesn't need you working harder. It’s more about being there. Greater stability. A leader who is not leading from the inside of his own fear.

This is one of the things I work on most deeply with leaders. If it resonates, I'd love to hear your story.

Fernanda Brasileiro

People Development Consultant & Strategist

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